Corporate’s Favourite
Dear 9 to 9 e’s,
We thank you for being the hard workers of our corporate mill. Every day you punch in at 9 am, consistently and stay up in the office till the security guard turns off the lights. Your 12 hours of “work” and “always available” attitude has helped us print millions every second.
We are so glad that your only passion in life is to be at our workplace, most of your time. Even when you go home and should be spending time with your family, upbringing your children , nurturing friendships and beautiful emotional moments, you are online for us to do the last-minute late-night work, we so urgently need the next morning. Despite knowing that we don’t actually need it that much and we could have told you a week ago about it you choose to always do it for us, we just have to say the keywords “it’s urgent”.
We love that you always keep our system monitor’s health and financial stocks health above your own physical and mental health. You are smart, you know that our systems can recover, can be replaced or fixed any time but your health won’t fix or replace so easily still you choose us every single moment of your life.
While we both know that the work you do can be safely done in 4–5 focused hours, your habit of being the last person to leave has benefited us tremendously. Together we make our boring 9 to 5e’s pressured to stay till late, we groom them to join our cult and make-believe that if they don’t stay long hours, they won’t get our “shiny awards”. We still wonder why they are always the ones to bring new ideas, innovation and smart work on the table, but let’s forget it for now. We are just happy that you don’t spend time upskilling yourself, whenever we will need those skills, we will just buy a shiny new, young person.
As this letter comes to an end, we are going to reveal to you our most important trade secret. Thanks to you, we are going to keep getting bigger in future and you being you won’t even ask how much that share of growth you will get and why do we say that. The secret is, we don’t have to fear 9 to 5e’s, we are very smartly killing our next competition. We know you all are so talented that you can give us healthy competition tomorrow and compel us to update our business, but we don’t have to think about it at all, we will just hold you in our jungle.
You are our best deal ever; with just a few bucks we snatch away you from YOU. You are able to kill off the competition before it even begins. You don’t need any help with upskilling. Most importantly you “motivate” (read “pressurize”) everyone to detach from human emotions, family, friends and forget about health at all. We thank you for building this culture for us, where we project to the world and lure new talent with our “modern 35–40 hours work culture” and you being in senior positions now can silently keep this 12-hour culture alive for us.
You are our favourite! Of course, that’s only until you do a goof-up or get outdated and we can replace you with a young 9 to 9e.
Yours only hope in life,
Corporate
Confidentiality not needed: We know you won’t share this letter with anyone because you didn’t spend time building relationships.
